Without you - phan
by sunglasseslad0800
Summary: Dan and Phil fell apart as friends just a year ago, they now both live alone despite neither of them realizing just how much the other misses them. But when Dan finds some old memories, can he patch up the friendship that broke for many different reasons? i only own the story
1. Chapter 1

So here I am, the King of procrastination, finally facing up to the chores I had to do today. That chore was cleaning out my storage place. The man who owned my flat building had been going on at me for weeks. I headed down to the basement, dreading every step. For the past two months I had thrown things randomly down there, I only imagined the mayhem in that one osmall room. I chucked things that I didn't need or basically just didn't want to remember down there.

I unlocked the door to the small room and stepped in, standing still on the one spot of ground that was completely submerged in weird clutter and so I began.

After around an hour of poking around and finding cool old nostalgic items, I finally found something worth looking at. I found my old laptop, I hadn't used this laptop since last year – back when I lived in London. I decided an hour of cleaning earned me a break and I took my old laptop up to my flat.

I sat down with a cup of tea and searched around for a charger to charge my old friend. It turned on and I signed in, still remembering my old password. My desktop appeared on the screen, as much as I tried to shrug it off – my heart broke. In front of me sat a picture of myself, my two friends Chris and PJ and Phil. A shiver went down my spine. My stomach fell as I looked through old photo albums, our trip to Italy, vidcon pictures and just random ones from nights out. I felt torn, you know the feeling when you're missing something yet you don't want to miss it.

I remembered back to almost this time last year, I was living with Phil, having movie nights with Chris and PJ and was just generally content with my life. A lot had changed since then. I still constantly kicked myself about the way things went down, no matter how much I tried to convince myself I didn't care. It's hard not to care about losing someone who was so much more than a best friend.

It started last February, I can't pin point exactly where it started. Things started becoming stressful, between working for BBC and YouTube – well that wasn't everything. I felt stupid even thinking about it, I started having feelings for Phil. Feelings that I guess were always there, but I knew weren't reciprocated. Maybe it was the shipping or maybe it was just him in general, but it changed things. Things began to get tense between us, an awkward silence always seemed to loom over us. It was like he knew I loved him and he hated me for it.

The night I left is still fresh in my memory, a stupid argument that began with loading the dishwasher wrong and ended with the words "maybe we shouldn't live together any more". Along with some other pretty harsh words in between, I never realized we could be like that with each other. Everyone tried to fix things, Chris and PJ, our families and even our fans.

Not long after, I moved out, it wasn't a cold goodbye - it was just scary. I didn't want to move out, but I had too much pride to beg him to let me stay. For a second I thought he was going to change his mind, as said good bye to me at the door. I moved back to Reading and lived with my parents again for a month or so until I found a new flat. It was weird moving without Phil, he was always there to help me carry the boxes, whether it was to university dorms or into our own new flat.

I still kept up contact with Chris and PJ, they were two of my best friends, I couldn't just forget them. Of course I barely ever seen them, we were all two busy to take hour long train rides to see each other. I didn't hear from Phil, I presumed he didn't care. Chris and PJ tried to convince me he was down about me leaving, but I as much as I wanted to believe that I couldn't.

Obviously we had to address the fact to the phans, we told them I was having family problems and was moving back home for a while. As the months went on they didn't believe it, I usually avoided the question but if I was forced to answer I would tell them it was just easier to stay here. I missed living with Phil, as much as I hated to admit it. It was the small things really: like when he'd make me a cup of tea in the mornings or when he'd force me to watch reality TV.

_Things had changed a lot in a year. _

**So this is the start of my new phanfic, I was missing writing! I don't really care if this isn't popular, I just missed writing phanfic. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

Phil's POV:

I scrolled down my tumblr dashboard, looking for anything at all to distract myself from the video I was supposed to be filming today. Lately I hadn't had much inspiration for videos, it wasn't that I didn't want to make them – because it was quite the opposite. It's just every idea I wrote down just seemed pointless, like it would be boring to watch. I continued scrolling, hoping that maybe it would give me a good idea about a video. Then there it was, not an idea – that was just wishful thinking. It was probably the one thing I didn't need right now, there it sat in front of me – a GIF of Dan and I. I felt like someone had just punched me in the gut, or even worse just put my heart through a cheese grater. It was one of those phan GIFS from when we had just become friends and I had tackled Dan on to the ground. If only I had known what would have become from that friendship, then I probably wouldn't have let myself get so emotionally invested in it. _I guess when everyone said 'Phan forever' I believed them. _

It was still weird that it had been a year since Dan had moved out, it still felt like last week to me. I would still do small stupid things like make two cups of tea in the mornings or buy king sized bags of malteasers for us to share, _how pathetic did that make me? _Of course I would never admit how much I missed him, he was better off living without me in his life. He had outgrown me and didn't need me any more, that's the only reason I didn't beg him to stay in London. I didn't want to guilt trip him into living with me. He seemed to be doing fine on his own, he had his own flat now and I still watched his videos every week. I knew PJ and Chris were still in contact with him, but I couldn't bring myself to send him that text – I didn't want to pester him.

But I hoped I was hiding things well, whenever Chris and PJ brought him up I always managed a smile and a "I'm glad he's happy". Never mind how nauseous it made me feel. Being the good friends the two of them were, they had did everything to make me feel better. Setting me up on dates with pretty girls, letting me collaborate in their videos and just generally not leaving me alone for too long. None of this stuff made up for it, not even the girls. Which just sounds extremely gay, which was area I didn't like to go into. Is there a name for someone who has been straight for the majority of their life but then stupidly fell for a guy four years ago? Probably not. I knew eventually I had to get over this, to stop getting butterflies when someone mentioned his name. I was happy if he was happy with himself and why wouldn't he be?

I still felt bad for lying to the phans, it was something I had never wanted to do. I had always been so honest in my entire time on YouTube. Of course they guessed that something more had happened than just Dan having family problems. For a while there was even a few attempts to bring us back together. But the majority of them gave up after a while, there was barely a 'phandom' any more. There was a remaining few, but now you were either a Danosaur or a Philion or both. Phan became the ship that sank.

I wanted than easy, fun friendship back more than anything. I didn't even care if he didn't feel the same way romantically, I needed my friend back. The best friend I had ever had, the one that did live shows with me and played watched movies with me until sunrise. _I had to at least try, right?_

I pulled out my phone and searched for his name, I still hadn't deleted our last messages to each other – despite the fact they were from a year ago and were stupid things like "Can you pick milk up on your way home?". Slowly, I typed – trying to decide the right thing to say. In the end, I settled with: "I loved your new video :)". Now I just had to wait on a reply.

**Second chapter! I'm really excited about writing this! Despite the fact I should be revising instead of writing phanfiction:') Thanks for your support! It was a lot more than I imagined on just the first chapter. If you have any ideas or creative criticism just leave a review or tweet me at FizzyDanosaur :) **


	3. Chapter 3

Dan's POV:

I sat down at my laptop, my mind was jumbled now. I had to get this out some way, after a night's sleep (if you can call a few hours of tossing and turning an night's sleep) I was still none the wiser of what to do. I wanted to fix things between Phil and I, more than anything – but how? From what I'd heard, Phil was doing okay on his own. Maybe I was just an obstacle in his life and things are better without me. Of course that then led me to think about the other side of things, what if it was completely the opposite? What if he missed me just as much as I missed him? Either way, I couldn't be sure.

In the end, I decided that if I didn't do something now, I'd regret it later. What's the worst that can happen? _I don't get a reply. _I opened up my emails, I had thought about sending him a text – but a text wouldn't cover everything I wanted to say. Instead, I decided on an email.

_Hey Phil :) Long time no speak. I thought I would just write you an email basically because I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Also about how things ended between us, in fact I've actually been kicking myself about it. I never wanted things to end like that, things got hard and we just gave up. I can completely understand if you just delete this email because you want nothing to do with me – but all I ask is that you read it first. _

_Okay here goes, I never wanted to leave, I wish I had told you that at the time. All the small fights we had that led up to that big one, looking back were just stupid and pointless. We were in a bad place in our friendship and I wish more than anything I had stuck around and worked through it. I know that you are probably doing fine without me and haven't given this a second thought. But we were best friends at one point, closer than that in my opinion. And I know it'll be hard to get back to there, if we can get back at all. All I'm asking is that we give it ago. _

_From Dan :)_

_P.s I'm sorry. _

I read over the email probably more than ten times, editing it each time. Trying my best to get my point across without sounding too soppy because soppy wasn't my style. Before sending I decided I would check his facebook, it was a habit I had gotten into after leaving. At first when I did it, it made me angry – seeing how well he was coping without me. But that was when everything that had happened still riled me up, soon after it just made me sad. I could pretend all I wanted, I wasn't coping without him.

As I scrolled down his page I found myself not being able to take my eyes off his profile picture, his bright blue eyes and the smile on his face. He was with Chris and PJ in the picture, they were at a bowling alley. My heart broke a little, knowing I used to be part of that small group; the fantastic foursome. In fact in a parallel universe somewhere, I probably was there with them. I kept scrolling, seeing more pictures he was tagged in. Pictures of him with friends I didn't know and one girl featured a lot. Me, being the negative person I am, immediately decided it was his girlfriend. The way he had his arm around her made me, slightly jealous. _What was I saying? _

_Was my email really worth interrupting Phil's life? _I cared for him too much to do that, as long as he was happy – that was all I cared about. It was just unfortunate I didn't factor into that equation.

In the end, I decided I wouldn't send the email. I saved it to my drafts and closed over my laptop. I felt awful, I didn't even want to move. I just wanted to lie on the sofa and stare into space. It was time for dinner but what was the point? I rolled over so my face was submerged into a pillow, I screamed but no-one could hear me.

Whilst I did this, my phone went. It was probably my Mum or one of my friends from school that I had gotten close with lately inviting me out. Half heartedly, I lifted myself from the sofa and wandered over to the table where I had left my phone. I unlocked my phone 'one new message'. I rubbed my eyes a couple of times, trying to believe what I was seeing. The name Phil sat on my home page, for a couple of seconds I forgot to breathe – exhaling quickly before I suffocated myself. "I loved your new video :)" It read. I fell back on the sofa, aware that I had a stupid grin plastered on my face.

**Hope you enjoyed! I love writing this story, this chapter is kind of just filling in blanks for the up incoming chapters. It'll get better (I hope) Okay so thanks for the reviews and bye!**


	4. Chapter 4

Phil's POV:

As I sent the text message, I felt like a teenager again. Doing the whole risky message thing when you were flirting with a girl or something. But I guess our relationship (or what was left of it) had become very childish – both of us being to stubborn to apologise. I wondered if he was opening it right this second or maybe he was too busy to even check his phone. But in a way, it was a relief to have text him. To have done the thing I had chickened out over so many times before. Whilst I typed the message, it was like I was back last year. Like we had never been apart and he was just out at starbucks or shopping or something. _It was stupid how we had let ourselves get this way._

I decided I needed a distraction and who was a better distraction than my two best friends – Chris and PJ. Within a half an hour they were both already on their way over supplied with pizza. I was excited to see them, I knew if anyone could cheer me up it would be them.

We were about fifteen minutes through the movie, we were all bundled up on one sofa, the comfiest sofa. Chris was between PJ and I, with his legs over PJ and he was leaning on me. The movie really wasn't anything special, but I sat through it because Chris and PJ were enjoying it. I probably could have gotten into it if I wasn't checking my phone so often. It had been almost an hour and a bit now, _was he going to reply? _The worst case scenario that ran through my head was he'd read it and scoffed, wondering what a loser like myself was doing texting him. I opened up my twitter app and began to tweet about my night with Chris and PJ and complain about the movie. Until my phone sounded, it made jump slightly – alerting Chris. I noticed him glance over my shoulder, he was too quick and I was unable to hide my phone in time. He jumped up, his eyes wide open and his mouth gaping. PJ watched with a horrified expression wondering what was going on.

"Is that..?" He asked excitedly.

I bit my tongue to hide my smile, "Maybe" I said.

"What is going on?" PJ asked urgently.

"He's texting Dan" Chris shouted with a grin.

"Dan Howell?" PJ asked to be returned with Chris nodding eagerly.

"Phil that's great" PJ grinned.

"Why are you both so happy?" I asked.

"Because, now thing can go back to the way they were. We can all hang out again and be the fantastic foursome" Chris smiled.

"Woah calm down, its just a couple of texts" I laughed.

"Well it's an improvement on the past year" PJ replied.

"Look just don't get your hopes up, that's all I'm saying" I said.

"Okay" PJ grinned raising his hands.

I bit down on my lip trying to hide a smile, I was doing exactly what I told Chris and PJ not to do: _getting my hopes up. _

"I can see how happy you are, don't try and hide it" Chris said playfully.

We all burst out laughing at my bad attempt not to grin like a maniac. It wasn't much, just a text – but it was a start. In all the mayhem and teasing, I had actually forgotten to read the message. I looked at the screen, happy to see his name back in my recent messages. "Thanks man, it means a lot :) How have you been?" the message said.

**Short chapter, basically because it was just filling stuff for the next chapters. From now on, I'll probably not just have one whole chapter in either Dan or Phil's POV – I might change perspective. So a chapter can have perspectives from both of them, if you get me? Basically because I tend to be able to write from Phil's POV better haha idk. Really enjoying writing this so yay, thanks for all the support ^_^**


	5. Chapter 5

Dan's POV:

I jumped up out of bed and headed for the shower, whilst I was in there I mentally prepared what I was going to wear today. It was stupid really, I was meeting the guy who had seen me when I had the flu and had just gotten up in the morning. I should probably jump back a bit.

When Phil text me a few days ago, it made me feel like things were going back to normal. We were texting each other almost every five minute, which led to a - slightly awkward at first – skype call. One late night conversation led to another and we were meeting in just over two hours. I felt sick but excited, I couldn't wait to see him again. But I still had fears stuck in the back of my head, what if we started fighting again? Or what if he guessed I had feelings for him and wanted to talk about it? I couldn't let him know considering I was positive he didn't feel the same way. Besides, I hadn't seen him in a year – the feelings I had were probably gone now.

As soon as I was sure I looked as perfect as I possibly could (which still wasn't that great) I left the house. I didn't have to wait long on a train, as I got closer and closer to London I felt more and more nervous. I was terrified about how this was going to go, it was idiotic really. Especially when you considered just how close we used to be.

~Later on~

I waited on a bench in the middle of the city centre, people rushing around me. I was surprisingly early, which I was glad about since I was usually late to places. As most people do when they are waiting on someone I continuously checked my phone, to make it look like I wasn't just a loner in the middle of London. For ten minutes I sat on my own, awaiting his arrival, looking all around me to see no sign of him. Me being me, thinking the worst – I convinced myself he wasn't going to show up.

"Boo" A loud voice shouted behind me.

I jumped the length of myself and looked around to see a smiling face to my left.

"Oh God" I exhaled, trying to catch my breathe.

"Sorry for scaring you" He grinned "I couldn't help myself".

"It's okay" I laughed, "Just give me a second to recover".

He laughed and nodded and sat down beside me.

I looked him up and down, he looked different but still the same. He was still my pale, smiley best friend but something about him wasn't the same. Not in a bad way, he just looked more confident – he wasn't that innocent Phil I left here. But it worked on him, this new found confidence. It made him seem happier and I was happy if he was happy.

"How was the train ride over?" He asked, fiddling with the buttons on his coat.

"Long and boring" I answered.

We sat in silence for a minute before Phil turned around and looked at me, his expression reminded me why I liked his eyes. There was so happy and glittering, no matter how bad you felt they made you feel like there was hope (as cheesy as it sounds).

"It's good to see you again Dan" He smiled.

"Yeah it's good to see you too" I smiled back.

We stood up after I suggested we head to starbucks and get some coffee in the warmth. He stood up beside me and something came over me, I couldn't explain it. I threw my arms around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug. I felt him hug back around my waist.

"I really did miss you Phil" I said, still attached to him.

"I missed you too Dan, I went to text you so many times but I didn't think-" He started.

"You wanted to hear from me" We both said simultaneously.

He laughed at the fact I had finished his sentence.

"I wish I hadn't have left it that long" He said.

"It's my fault too, we were both idiots" I smiled.

He nodded in return.

"There's no point standing in the cold talking about it, let's go to starbucks" I said dragging him by the sleeve.

**Yay I hope this was an alright chapter, I wrote it pretty quickly. Inspiration struck! I haven't much to say so hope you enjoyed ^_^**


	6. Chapter 6

Phil's POV:

I watched Dan as he drank from his cup as we sat in Starbucks, we sat in the seats we always used to sit in when he still lived with me. I studied him very closely, even though he still spoke and acted the same there was something different about him. He seemed skinnier (if it was possible) and more weary of everything. I laughed as he tried to lick the froth from his hot chocolate off his upper lip.

Leading up to today, I was positive I would be able to look at Dan and feel no romantic feelings for him any more. I thought a year would be long enough to get over this thing I had about him. Yet he still made me smile and when he looked at me my insides still felt warm like after drinking a warm drink on a cold day. _I had to get over this stupid crush._

"So any ladies?" I blurted out, almost immediately wishing I hadn't asked.

I was waiting for him to name a long list of girls names, or tell me he was in a serious relationship with some amazing girl. Instead he looked taken aback, awkward about answering the question. I got the feeling he was hiding something from me. But instead he answered with a simple:

"Not really".

I nodded, taking a drink from my cup.

"You?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Well I've been on a few dates with girls that Chris and PJ set me up with, none of them really stood out though" I shrugged.

If it was anyone else I would have answered with a simple no, but I knew that he probably had a list of girls queuing up to date him back in Reading, even if he wasn't saying. This was Dan we were talking about, he had girls everywhere drooling after him. But it was nice how modest he was about it, you could tell he genuinely couldn't understand why they saw in him. He could never believe that there was thousands of girls around the world that would do pretty much anything just to talk to him – never mind date him.

"Oh how come?" He asked, snapping right out of my train of thoughts and back into the real world.

_How was I supposed to answer this one?_

"They were all really nice, they just weren't really my type I guess" I answered.

_They aren't you Dan, _was what I was really thinking. None of them had that sarcastic humour that oozed out of you and none of them had those deep brown eyes that made me smile every time I saw them. I was close to shouting this out, so that everyone in Starbucks could know just how much I loved him. But that wouldn't have been my smartest mood, he didn't feel the same way. And besides, having Dan as just a friend was better than not having him at all.

"What they weren't Sarah Michelle Gellar?" He laughed.

I laughed in unison, it was nice that he had remembered small things like my celebrity crushes. Even until this day, I would see something that reminded me of Dan and one of our silly private jokes and laugh. But of course it wasn't the same laughing about it without him.

~Later in the day~

Somehow Dan and I had ended up in a bar, I can't really remember the details especially not after numerous drinks. It reminded me how much I loved drinking with Dan, he was always so much fun when he was drunk. Not that he wasn't fun when he was sober he was just a lot more expressive when he was intoxicated. He would tell me that he loved me and he would randomly hug me. In fact one time he even tried to come on to me, it wasn't as weird as it sounds. It made me feel good at the time but I had to keep reminding myself that when Dan was drunk he'd probably flirt with anything with a pulse. I actually kind of liked it (in the least creepiest way possible).Of course I would never do anything with him while he was drunk, he didn't feel that way and it would just be wrong. But it was nice to pretend just for a second.

He grinned at me and then knocked back another mouthful from his glass. I smiled back, for the whole day we had talked about stupid stuff. Stuff that no-one else would even give a second thought about, it was practically the basis of our friendship.

"Shit look at the time" Dan said a lot more calmly than he should have been.

"What?" I asked, or more likely slurred.

"The last train leaves in like two minutes, there's no way I'm gonna make it in time" He said.

I thought for a minute, wondering if I was crossing any boundaries here. Eventually I decided I was just going to go for it, so I opened my mouth.

"Stay at mine for the night and get a train home tomorrow" I offered, hoping he wouldn't get freaked out at my sudden proposal.

"You sure that's alright?" He asked, furrowing his eye brows.

"Yeah of course, I mean it's not like I don't have a spare room" I smiled.

**I guess I just kind of forgot about my phanfic, for a week...sorry! I'll try and update twice tonight!**


	7. Chapter 7

Dan's POV:

We walked back to Phil's house, it was really nostalgic since I had been that way probably a hundred times. It was freezing and the cold air nipped at our faces but we were really too intoxicated to care. We had stopped off at the shop on the way home and purchased a big bag of malteasers and two red bulls. This kept us going until we got back to the flat. Eventually we made it back, after numerous drunken stumbles and high pitched giggling over stupid stuff.

Phil unlocked the door and I followed him in, everything looked the same. In even the hall nothing was different, there was still the table where we used to chuck our post and keys and even the corner where we would just kick off our shoes as we walked through the door – which was exactly what Phil did. It was scary similar, it was like that year apart had never happened. I kept both my coat and shoes on, not wanting to make myself too at home.

"Take your coat off Dan and pretend you're staying" Phil joked from the kitchen.

After we cleaned up the sugar Phil had spilt from trying to make some tea we both flopped down on the sofa. We were both still giggly and immature and basically not at all sober.

"Smile" Phil laughed as he held his phone up to take a picture.

On purpose I pulled the ugliest face I could think of, which believe me wasn't hard. He laughed and showed me one of the ugliest pictures I had ever seen of myself. If I was sober I probably would have insisted he deleted it immediately, but since I wasn't I found it hard to care.

"That's one for twitter I think" Phil said.

Even though it was pretty late, the picture got hundreds of replies. I guess the fans were happy to see us together again.

"Look at that" Phil said pointing at a tweet.

It said something about Phan coming back to life, which is what people used to ship us as, so many of them wanted us to be gay together. In fact for a while, I even wanted it. But I was certain Phil was straight, so I never spoke about my feelings. He never really seemed to be bothered by it, he didn't joke about it or get annoyed about it – he never really mentioned it in general. So I was the one always who denied the latest rumours, sometimes I just hated getting reminded of it. Basically because it reminded me of the one thing I wanted that I couldn't have.

I laughed in response to the tweet Phil had shown me.

"They just never give up do they?" I said.

"I guess not, well while you're here we may as well give them something to talk about" Phil suggested.

I liked how Phil got when he was drunk, he was much more confident, he would say things to you he would never say if he was sober.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well this" He put his arm around me and pulled me closer and took a picture.

At this stage we were both sharing one side of the sofa, we both smiled in the photo and it was a generally nice photo. I watched over his shoulder as he put it on twitter, calling 'Who missed Phan?' :).

"Done" He said turning to face me.

Our faces weren't far apart now, I nodded in return, in all honestly a little bit too frazzled to get any words out. _Get yourself together Dan. _I couldn't work out if Phil was moving closer to me or if I was just imagining it. I hesitated for a minute, until I was sure it was real and when I was sure I began moving closer too. His lips touched mine quickly and then pulled away, I expected the worst. That he was going to freak out and force me to leave his house this instant. But that didn't happen, instead he waited a few seconds and pushed our lips together, harder this time.

I knew it was the alcohol making him do this and that I should have stopped things a minute ago but I couldn't. It made all the old feelings coming bouncing back and ever stronger too. He put his hand on the back of my neck and I kissed him deeper, now with our tongues gliding over each other. I couldn't believe this was happening. I put my hands around his waist while his hands moved up into my hair. He pulled away again and wriggled out of my grasp, he walked towards the door of the living room as I watched.

"C'mon" He smiled.

**Is it bad to say I'm kind of proud of this chapter? But yeah, kind of fluffy :) Hope you enjoyed!**


	8. Chapter 8

Phil's POV:

I woke up to the light shining on my face, I had a headache and just felt generally rough. It'd been quite a while since I'd had a hangover and my body wasn't coping very well. I could feel a warm presence beside me, which was unusual. But then yesterday hit me, everything that happened and everything that led up to last night. I turned slightly to see Dan sleeping with his back to me, I tried not to move too suddenly in fear of waking him up. We were so close he was nearly lying on top of me, his hair was slightly ruffled which just made him even more attractive – if that was possible.

A sudden sting of regret hit my stomach, not because I, myself regretted it – never. Dan on the other hand may not agree with me, I had sudden pangs of guilt related to practically taking advantage of Dan in his drunken state. Unlike most intoxicated people, I usually had a pretty clear memory of things that happened that night. We hadn't done anything last night other than kiss, I remembered that after a while of being on a high from the alcohol Dan usually got pretty sleepy whilst drunk. He ended up falling asleep before anything else could happen and maybe that was just as well.

I was scared thinking about how he would react when he woke up, surely he couldn't feel the same way. The only reason he kissed me back was because he was heavily intoxicated. I imagined the worst, Dan waking up horrified, vowing to never talk to me ever again. But at the same time, I took a second to pretend that we were together (as sad as it sounds). That every night was like this, falling asleep beside each other and that once he woke up we would go down and make breakfast. It was nice to pretend, even for just a second.

A little glimmer of light from the window fell across his face, it made Dan look almost like a fairytale. I could barely even believe someone could look this perfect having just slept along with having a hangover. I wanted to throw my arms around him and pull him even closer.

I noticed his eyes flickering a little bit and then him mumbling a little bit. He sat up with his eyes still closed and rubbed his eyes just before running his hands through his hair. I braced myself for his reaction, his eyes immediately darted towards me. He seemed surprised and then just awkward.

"Oh what happened last night?" He groaned.

"You don't remember?" I asked, feeling more awkward by the second.

"I remember everything up until coming up here" Dan said trailing off.

"It's okay we didn't do anything" I said with a slight laugh, hoping to lighten to the mood.

He nodded in return, he looked out of it. Like he was too busy thinking to even acknowledge I was here. I watched him grab his phone and check the time, by that stage I knew what was coming.

"Um listen I'd better go" He said sheepishly.

"Yeah of course" I said trying not to sound disappointed.

He wriggled out from under my duvet and pulled on his black skinny jeans that were laying on the floor. I couldn't help but look him up and down as he jumped into his jeans and pulled his top over his head. I wanted him to stay all day, more than that I wanted him to want to stay.

"Do you want any breakfast before you go or anything?" I asked, in a last attempt to get him to stay longer.

"I'm sorry I can't" He said now pulling his coat on.

"We should do this again, well not this but meet up again" I said.

"Yeah definitely, text me the details" He said before running out.

_Would he even want to meet up with me again?_

I fell back down on my bed and pulled the duvet over my head. Why did you have to kiss him Phil? Things were so close to going back to normal.


	9. Chapter 9

Dan's POV:

I left Phil's house in a hurry, feeling particularly stupid. I sat down at a bus stop around the corner from his house, I decided that I could have handled that better. I must be the only person in the world to run away from something they have wanted for such a long time. But it was such a shock, waking up next to him. I made such a big deal about it, Phil was ready to pass it off as a stupid drunken mistake and here I am making such a big deal about it.

Along with the hangover, I couldn't possibly feel worse. I scuffed the ground, not even sure what time my train was coming at. Stupidly I allowed myself to imagine what would've happened if I had stayed. Each scenario ended in Phil telling me that he's liked me for a long time and wants to give us a try. Why would I even let myself think about that? Phil would never feel that way about me, I could never be that lucky.

I stood up from the bus stop and decided to walk around pretending I had a purpose and that I wasn't just some hobo sitting at a bus stop. I decided to go to the shop, the thought of sitting on a train for a few hours with a hangover was practically my worst nightmare – especially without coffee. I headed to the shop that was just a block away from the flat, from what I could remember Phil stopped there last night. It was stupid how many memories a stupid shop could bring back, when I lived here Phil and I were at this shop almost everyday.

After purchasing a sandwich, a coffee and a ton of junk food I made my way to the train station. I was about half way there when I felt a tap on my shoulder, I spun around. There stood two teenage girls, both in skinny jeans and hoodies. One was shaking, was I right in assuming she knew me from the internet? And the other was beaming at me with her eyes glittering.

"Dan" The smiley one screamed.

I plastered on a smile, of all the days to get recognised.

"Hello" I grinned, giving them each a hug.

Don't get me wrong, it was one of the best feelings getting recognised randomly on the streets but when I did I had to be the Dan people see in the videos. The Dan that isn't grumpy or hungover or sad about stupid mistakes. I had to be my sarcastic self. Of course their huge smiles made it a lot easier.

I signed one girl's phone case and the other girl's scrap bit of paper she had in her pocket and of course took a picture with both of them.

"Did you have fun with Phil last night?" The one that was shaking earlier asked.

This made me remember the picture last night and what the picture led to.

"Yeah it was good to see him after such a long time" I replied.

"I miss the days when you two lived together, when there was a phandom and people shipped phan" She smiled but then added "well not so much the shipping part".

She clearly remembered my many rants about shipping, it really was a bitter sweet thing. But what she said did bring back some good memories, even though they weren't the biggest fandom, they were one of the most powerful and definitely one of the funniest. There was nothing better than a large group of people that shared the same humour as you. Sure we had our bad days, when someone would cross the line and share a link to one of my family member's facebook pages or when they would become a little to obsessed with the shipping. But never the less, I had never laughed more at some of the things they said or the pictures they made.

"I miss the phandom too" I smiled.

The girls said their goodbyes and headed the opposite way, as they got a few metres away from me I heard them both squeal. I will never get over the fact that I have that affect on some people, in my head I'm still that awkward loser in high school that never seemed to like the same things as everyone else. They walked off chattering, probably tweeting about our encounter – it made me happy that I had at least made someone's day good.

The train ride home was filled with thoughts of how I left things with Phil and me wanting to punch myself. I contemplated texting him, but was it too soon? Or would he even wanted to hear from me after that stupid stunt I pulled? I began to wonder how easy it would be just being Phil's friend.

**Sorry for the last two chapters, they are quite fillery, but necessary for some stuff coming up. I haven't updated in quite a while so I'm putting two chapters up now. Really hope you enjoy this chapter and the one before!**


	10. Chapter 10

Phil's POV:

After Dan leaving so suddenly yesterday, I had pretty much moped around the house, left alone with my thoughts. I guess I did have a lot to think about. Where were we supposed to go with this now? He clearly doesn't feel the same way, will he even want to meet up again – even just as friends? Have I really ruined things with the guy I have been in love with for years?

It was stupid really, how I thought back to all the times I had tried to move on – and how I convinced myself that I really had. Yet here I am, back at Dan – I always seemed to end up back at Dan. Normally I feel bad when I lounge around the house feeling sorry for myself, I hate just wasting a day away. But today was an exception, I spent most of my time online. Which I did most days but usually it was reasonably productive, not watching funny animal videos all day.

The idea of texting Dan passed through my mind probably a thousand times, but I didn't want to hassle him and drive him even further away. Stupidly, when my phone sounded, I jumped up with butterflies in my stomach – hoping it was Dan – it wasn't. The message was from PJ, I had forgotten tonight was the night we hung out. Every Friday night myself, him and Chris all did something together. Not anything really exciting, like hitting night clubs like most people my age were doing. Instead we just watched movie and ate a lot of take away, sometimes we filmed a video or did a live show but that was the extent of it.

The message read: "Hey, will be over in an hour supplied with Chinese. Chris can't make it, so it's just you and me". I didn't want to see anyone, but something told me it might make me feel better. I hadn't showered in two days (due to my laziness) so I jumped in quickly not wanting to kill PJ with my awful odour. I had just pulled on a new shirt when the door went, I bounced down the stairs to let him in.

"Hey" He smiled, holding up the plastic bag he was holding.

"Yes food!" I cheered.

"Hey I'm here too" PJ joked.

We sat in the living room, watching this TV series I had discovered a while back (thanks to Dan actually). I kept catching PJ taking glances at me, worried glances. I knew I wasn't acting myself and if anyone was gonna catch on that I was down it would be PJ. But I didn't want him to ask, basically because I didn't want to have to explain. Instead I tried to brighten myself up.

"So how come Chris couldn't make it?" I asked.

"I think he said he caught the flu or something" PJ shrugged.

I thought I was getting away with it, until five minutes later.

"So Phil, when are you going to tell me what's wrong?" PJ said turning to me as the credits rolled down the screen.

_Was it really that obvious?_

"What do you mean?" I asked, painting a smile on my face.

"You may as well just tell me, you know I'm gonna guess eventually" He replied.

There was always something about PJ, he was a good few years younger than me, but he was definitely wiser. He always knew what to say and how to fix things, I considered confiding in my problem solving friend – he'd never let me down before.

"Is it to do with Dan?" He asked before tucking into a new forkful of noodles.

I shrugged, PJ didn't know I was gay or bisexual or whatever I was, I wondered if there even was a name for what I was feeling. I didn't worry for a second that he would judge me, but I hadn't quite worked it out in my own head, I didn't see the point in putting it in someone else's.

"Just tell me, I can help with whatever is bothering you" He smiled.

"So maybe it is Dan" I said, very unhelpfully.

"Okay" He said nodding his head, "What happened? Did you have a fight?".

"Kind of the opposite actually" I said.

He crinkled his forehead in confusion, I guess I wasn't really making sense.

"Can you please just not freak out?" I asked.

He nodded.

"We kind of kissed" I mumbled.

"Okay is that good or bad?" PJ asked.

"Good, I guess until he freaked out and left" I replied.

"What did you do?" He asked.

"I couldn't really do anything other than let him go" I sighed. "PJ the worst thing is, I've wanted this for such a long time. I think I'm in love with Dan".

"You always have been" He said, staring at me with warm eyes.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"It's so obvious to everyone, except you and Dan obviously" He laughed.

"Too bad it's all one sided" I said.

"I wouldn't be too sure" PJ smiled.

My mouth broke into a small smile and I got a small ray of hope, maybe he did feel the same way. Sure I couldn't go entirely on what PJ said, but surely there was some hope.

**I am ashamed of this chapter, it's mostly conversation and I got distracted by the drama on twitter within the phandom and so much procrastination, so aplogies. Hope you enjoy anyways.**


	11. Chapter 11

Dan's POV:

I woke up in the early afternoon and dragged myself out of bed, I'd been pretty lazy these past few days. Mostly because I was kicking myself about the whole thing with Phil, I had now almost completely convinced myself he hated my guts. He hadn't text like I asked, which was never a good sign. But the idea of texting him first had passed my mind a few times. Maybe it would be a good idea to make the first move, to put some effort in. Whilst I was in the shower I came to the conclusion that I would leave it until tomorrow and if he hadn't text – I would text first. I always did this to myself, I promised myself I would do things tomorrow but usually I never got around to it. This time would be different though.

As I finished drying my hair, I heard my phone ringing. I looked at the caller ID, it was my Mum. I hadn't seen her in over a week, or any of my family for that matter. Usually I would go over there at least once a week for dinner, they said they were just being nice by inviting me, but I knew it was just too check up on me. I guess I had just worried them this past year. But this week I was too busy wallowing in my own self pity to drag myself over there – which is saying something about how lazy I am considering they only live a few streets away.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hello Dan, how are you?" My Mum asked in a cheery tone.

"Yeah I'm okay" I said bluntly.

"I was just calling to invite you around for dinner" She said.

I thought about the idea of trying to act happy around my family for a few hours and I decided to decline the offer.

"Look Mum, I'm really busy editing and-" I started, only to be cut off.

"No Dan, we haven't seen you in over a week. Surely you can take some time off editing for food" She said.

One thing about my Mum is, she is persistent. I guess I kind of got my head strong ways from her, in the end I ended up caving in. It was too much of an effort to try and fight

her. Besides, it was only for a few hours – I could manage that no problem.

"Fine" I sighed.

"Okay also we are having-" This time I cut her off.

"Okay okay, I'll be there. Look I have to go, see you in a couple of hours" I said and then swiftly hanging up.

I at least wanted a few hours to myself before I had to brave the outside world.

* * *

I arrived at the front door of my old house, I walked on in knowing they'd leave it unlocked for me. As soon as I walked through the door, I caught sight of my Mum moving around the kitchen – pots and pans making all sorts of noises. She shouted me a hello from the kitchen so I moved on to the living room where I assumed my Dad and brother would be. I was pretty shocked to see it wasn't just my Dad and brother sitting there. On the other sofa sat a familiar looking couple, I spent a few seconds trying to work out where I knew them from.

"Oh hello son" My Dad said.

"Hi" I smiled awkwardly, due to the fact there was two strangers in the room.

"Oh this is Mr and Mrs Cranston" My Dad smiled "I'm sure you remember them".

I didn't remember them.

"Oh Dan" The woman said standing up and hugging me. "We haven't seen you since you were leaving high school".

Suddenly another figure in the room caught my attention, a girl sitting in the arm in the corner of the room. She smiled awkwardly at me and waved, I remembered her.

"Jessie" I said startled.

"Hello" She smiled.

She certainly brought back a lot of memories. Jessie was one of my friends in high school, she moved there just for sixth year and we had hit it off almost immediately. Of course back then, if I had've had my way we'd have been more than just friends. Back then, I was convinced I was in love with her. But then again, I hadn't met Phil then – he was just one of the many personalities I watched on YouTube. I never stood a chance wit her. Almost every guy in our year fancied her and I was still in shock that she wanted to be my friend never mind anything else. Anyways, after sixth year she was accepted into Leeds university, since she was always a billion times smarter than me. I hadn't seen her since then, we kept in touch on Facebook a bit for a while. But then I started YouTube and met Phil and everything else, last I heard she was studying to be a teacher.

Jessie stood up from the arm chair and walked over giving me a big hug. She hadn't changed much since high school, same slim figure and warm brown eyes. Along with poker straight brown hair that fell to her collar bones. I hugged back, still in shock that she was here. I hadn't thought about her since I had fallen for Phil.

**Sorry for late update, I am really busy at the minute ugh stress. Hopefully I'll have another up tomorrow, thanks – hope you enjoyed x**


	12. Chapter 12

Dan's POV:

"I haven't seen you in a really long time" She smiled.

"Yeah it's been ages" I said back.

I could see my Dad and brother shooting me looks from the corner of my eye, when I liked Jessie everyone knew. I would talk about her non-stop when I got home from school, I guess they still remembered. The adults had gone into some conversation of their own, I could hear Mrs Cranston gushing about how big and grown up I looked. I guess I had changed a lot since high school. I sat down next to the arm chair Jessie was sitting on and beside my brother on the sofa. He barely even looked up, he was too busy looking at his phone.

"So have you been?" She smiled.

"Yeah, I've been good" I said vaguely. "You?".

"Yeah me too, only a year left of university" She grinned.

I remembered in that moment how much I had liked her smile.

"That's great" I smiled. "I didn't even make it through two years".

"Yeah I heard" She said nodding. "But sure who needs university when you run an internet cult" She laughed.

_Oh God, she knows about my YouTube videos. _I felt my face flush red.

"Don't get embarrassed!" She said laughing and putting her hand on my arm.

"They're funny" She smiled. "I'm glad you finally got the chance to show everyone else just how funny you are".

She was referring to how in high school I wasn't necessarily shy, I just held my personality back when I was talking to people I wasn't close with. I didn't see the point, I didn't think much of the majority of people in my year. They cared about stupid things that didn't matter one bit to me and found idiotic things funny. I never really fit in, except for with my group of friends – and I was happy like that.

I talked to Jessie some more, she told me about her university and how she was back up in Reading for two weeks for an early Easter break. She told me some funny stories from work placements and nights out and it almost felt like we were back at school on a Monday morning – she always seemed to have the most interesting weekends. It was weird, normally I hated it when people constantly talked about themselves but she seemed to be the exception. Also I mean what could I say? Since high school I had become an internet hobo, I made money by staying at home and talking to a camera.

Soon enough, my Mum called up for dinner. We all headed to the dining room, we'd always had a huge dining table and I know my Mum loves using it. We were half way into the dinner and my parents and Mr and Mrs Cranston were talking about some of the embarrassing things I did in high school – and believe me, there was a lot. Everyone was laughing and I was trying to as well. Once everyone had eaten, my Mum went back to the kitchen to serve tea and cake she had made earlier. I excused myself, saying I had to make a phone call.

I headed back the living room, I hadn't thought about Phil once since I got here. But it actually helped, it cleared my head – which I had needed. I decided to phone him, what's the worst that could happen right? I put the phone to my ear and waited through each ring, one after another after another. Soon enough, it had gone to answer phone. I considered leaving a message but decided that would make me look too eager. I slumped down on the sofa, thinking of all the possible things he could be doing that would make him too busy to pick up his phone. The thinking process started with innocent things like showering or making dinner and ended with him, out with a girl.

Jessie peeked her head around the door, holding two cups of tea.

"I just wanted to see if you wanted your tea" She said.

"Yeah sure, thanks" I said taking the cup off her.

"You okay?" She asked. "You seem a bit down".

"Yeah I'm fine" I said trying to lighten up my facial expression.

"Should we head back in there?" I asked.

"Not unless you wanna discuss the economy" She laughed.

I nodded, decided it was probably the best option to sit in here instead. I took a drink from my tea, which was really hot. If I had've been here alone, I would have spat it out and wallowed in the self pity that comes from burning your tongue. But I wasn't here alone, so I had to man up and swallow it. I shivered as it burned my stomach. The conversation turned from complaining about our parents to old memories of high school.

"Oh god I can't believe I just remembered that" she said laughing so much she was crying.

I was doing the same, almost unable to breath. We laughed for a few more minutes until the joke had died down.

"It's really stupid actually" She laughed. "But I had such a huge crush on you when we were at school".

_What did she say?_

I went to reply, but heard my phone ringing from the table beside me.

_It was Phil._


	13. Chapter 13

Phil's POV:

PJ had slept over from the night before since he fell asleep during our fourth movie on the sofa. It was nice not waking up to an empty house for once, it was also nice being able to cook breakfast and not have to throw half of it out. We sat in my living room, eating bacon sandwiches and watching the TV – not saying a word to each other. We had the kind of friendship where we were comfortable stuffing our faces in front of each-other. I checked my phone, in fact I was doing it pretty frequently now – try every two minutes. Just in case Dan had text or he phoned or something. But I was let down every single time.

"Phil stop" PJ said, keeping his focus split between his food and the TV.

"Stop what?" I asked.

"Checking your phone" He replied.

I was beginning to realize just how obsessive I was getting.

"If he's gonna text or ring, he'll do it" PJ said bluntly.

"But why can't he do it now?" I whined.

"Right c'mon, we're going out and you are leaving your phone behind" He said standing up from the sofa and lifting both of our plates.

I whined in reply.

"Go get ready, we're leaving in ten minutes" He said demandingly.

* * *

Even though I felt practically naked without my phone, it was kind of freeing in a strange way. We headed into the centre of London and purchased many different items that neither of us really needed. I could hear PJ's phone making noises in his pocket, it was making me wonder what mine was doing. Although I'd probably get home and there would still be no sign of Dan. So I decided to make the most of my time out and enjoy myself.

We ran into a couple of really lovely fans who bought us milkshakes and basically just looked amazed to see out in London. It was cute really, I loved meeting fans. They were always so nice and it was always good to be able to put a face to the user names leaving comments on your videos and replying to your tweets.

After a meal at Nandos, I came to the conclusion that the day without a phone was actually a success. I said goodbye to PJ a few blocks away from my house and headed home. I unlocked the door, humming to myself – I was in a pretty good mood for the first time in weeks. I spotted my phone on the table and walked over to it, not really expecting much.

**One missed call**

* * *

Dan's POV:

I froze and stared at my screen, unsure if I should pick it up or not. I wanted to talk to Phil but I didn't want to be rude to Jessie. I let this thought process go on so long that the phone stopped ringing. My focus remained solely on my phone and the "One missed call from Phil".

"Anyone important?" Jessie asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I thought for a second, "Yeah actually" I said, not even realizing I was smiling.

She looked at me as if she wanted to know who, but didn't want to ask.

"It's my friend Phil" I said grinning.

"Oh" She smiled nodding.

I spent the next five minutes telling her about Phil, about how funny he is and how without him I'd probably be on my way to being a depressed lawyer by now. I guess I didn't even realize just how long I'd been going on about him until Jessie burst out laughing.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing, you two just seem really close" She smiled.

I nodded in agreement.

We sat for a few minutes, enjoying the silence and drinking the remainder of our tea. My Mum had brought cake in for us, which made the whole experience so much better. I had missed Jessie, a lot actually – more than I had even realized. I was beginning to wish we had stayed in touch. My mind was split, thinking about Phil and thinking about Jessie. I wanted to phone him so badly, I wanted him to invite me out again. But I didn't want to excuse myself from Jessie.

"Dan?" She said.

"Yeah?" I said, turning to look at her.

Before she could say anything she had pushed her lips up against mine, her hands on both my cheeks. I could barely move, _was this really happening? _It was a weird feeling, getting something you wanted for so long, but I couldn't quite work out if it was a good feeling. Was this everything I anticipated it would be? I thought about how much I dreamed of this moment back when I was around seventeen and eighteen. I had always promised myself I would tell her how I felt on the last day, yet I never got around to it.

Her hands were soft and warm, which made me not want to pull away. For a few seconds I felt normal, until I started seeing Phil's face in my head. Kissing Jessie was different than kissing Phil. Something was missing here.

I felt something buzzing in my pocket, I immediately pulled away to check my phone. It was Phil again, I accepted the call and mouthed sorry to Jessie. But was I really sorry?


	14. Chapter 14

Phil's POV:

"Hello?" Dan said, answering the phone sounding flustered.

"Hey sorry I was just ringing you back" I replied. "Are you busy?".

He paused for a second and asked me to hold on for a second, I could hear him tell the person he was with that he was sorry and that he had to take this. As stupid as I felt admitting it, I beamed at this. It made me feel important, I wondered who he was with of course. I heard him come back on the line and my first instinct was to apologise.

"Sorry, did I interrupt you?" I asked.

"No not at all" He sounded cheery, which made me feel the same way.

"So did you call for any reason in particular?" I asked trying to move the conversation along.

"Oh I just wanted to know if you wanted to do something this week? If you aren't busy of course" He said, sounding a little awkward – it made me love him all the more.

"I'm sure I can make some time for you" I said hoping it came across as even a little bit flirty.

I wasn't really sure what we were doing, we never used to act this way around each-other. I would keep my feelings under wrap, but know I got the feeling this was more than just one sided. I wasn't sure if I was just kidding myself or it was really there, but either way I was keen to find out. We still had the same friendship, even from those hours we spent together during the week it was easy to see nothing had changed there. But somehow this new layer had formed – but hey, I wasn't complaining.

We made plans again for two days time, we organised for Dan to come back up here again. He had offered his flat in Reading, but added that Reading was one of the most boring places in England. But I was happy for him to come back up to London, without sounding it cheesy it was kind of the piece that had been missing. _Oh if only PJ could see me now, falling all over Dan. _

The phone call ended as he mentioned he was at his parents and I didn't want to intrude. As I hung up the phone I fell back on my bed and stifled the urge to scream out of excitement. _What had Dan done to me? _

* * *

Dan's POV:

I slid my phone back into my pocket and headed back into the family room in our house, biting back a smile. Everyone acknowledged me walk back into the room, my Dad made a joke about me finally arriving that he thought was hilarious – always the kidder was my Dad. I noticed Jessie give me an awkward glance, I had suddenly remembered the kiss. I felt slightly guilty about it, especially the way I had just ditched her afterwards.

Mr and Mrs Cranston announced they were leaving soon and that they wanted to thank my Mum for the food and dessert. At this point my Mum practically forced them to take some cake home with them. They all wandered back into the kitchen, except for my brother who had escaped upstairs long ago – I slightly envied him. This left Jessie and I in the family room, an awkward silence followed the departure of the adults. She chucked me a sheepish smile.

"I'm sorry about earlier" She said.

"No seriously, don't worry about it" I answered.

"I guess seeing you again just brought back some memories" She said smiling at the ground.

"Jessie, honestly don't worry about it" I smiled.

I felt bad that she felt so awkward about the situation, but at the same time – I couldn't see where this conversation was going. She twirled her brown hair around his finger, which was I always remembered her doing when she felt awkward or uncomfortable, I couldn't help but smile at this memory.

"But before I go" She started. "Promise we can hang out again sometime in the next few days, no parents or anything – just us two".

Before I could think of the repercussions of accepting to see her again, my mouth had already said yes. Something about her made it impossible to say no to. She threw her arms around my neck and gave me a hug, I tried to shake the butterflies I was experiencing for her out of my stomach. _Surely it would be crazy to still feel this way about her after all these years. _She looked up at me, with her warm eyes and happy smile.

"I've missed you Dan" She smiled.

_Oh Dan, what kind of situation have you gotten yourself into this time?_

**THIS STORY IS MOVING SO SLOWLY AND I APLOGISE. I only just realized how slow it's progressing. The next chapter will be much better I promise you! I hope you all like the Jessie storyline, I'm neglecting my coursework to write this – I regret nothing. But please be patient, the story will get better (I hope). **


	15. Chapter 15

Dan's POV:

I arrived at a bar I hadn't been too since I was a teenager, I spotted Jessie sitting at a table in the corner of the room fiddling with her keys. She looked up and her eyes brightened as she waved to me. I smiled and made my way over. She was dressed nicely, with a cute pink dress and a black cardigan with her hair curled which was a nice change from her normal hair. I sat down beside her and kissed her on the cheek, the avoid the kiss on the lips she was angling for.

In all honestly, I wasn't really sure what I was expecting from tonight. I was under this impression this was a date. But was this what I wanted? I was conflicted. There next to me, sat a pretty girl – one most guys would kill to be out with and yet here I am, thinking about my friend who doesn't even feel the same way as me. I thought all this through in my head as Jessie told me about something funny that had happened to her prior – I smiled and laughed at all the right places. Something about this whole situation made me feel normal. My thought train was interrupted by the waitress asking us what we wanted to order. As he walked away with our orders Jessie turned to me.

"I'm glad you came out tonight" She smiled, showing a set of perfect teeth.

"Why?" I asked.

"So I could get the chance to do this" She said and moved closer to me. Mimicking the same action, with the hands on my cheeks as she did back when was over for dinner. Except this time, I kissed her back – forming a small seed of regret in my stomach.

As our food came, I could barely even manage a forkful without feeling nauseous. My brain was a whirl wind of thoughts and emotions, but I knew I had to hide it – at least until I got home. She grabbed my free hand that was resting on the table and shot me a smile as she did so. Every time she smiled, I felt like I was seventeen again. Except all of this, would have been a lot easier if I was still seventeen. The way I would feel like I was gonna pass out every time she just so much as looked at me.

We had finished our food and were standing outside the restaurant.

"You can come back to mine if you want, my parents are out" She offered.

Despite every fibre of my being telling me to turn down the offer, my mouth took control and accepted – deep down in me somewhere, I wanted to go home with her. We walked for a block holding hands, it was dark and getting slightly chilly. We arrived at her parents house, I remembered this house from all the times we walked home from school together. Each day I would pray that she would invite me in and sometimes she did. I watched her as she unlocked the door, beginning to shiver a little because of the cold air.

The house hadn't changed at all, with the same old fashioned wall paper on the walls that led through the hall. She led me into their living room and offered me a drink which I declined. I plopped down on the sofa, my mouth breaking into a smile as I remembered all the times we sat here and watched movies. Before I knew it she was beside me, her head resting on my shoulder as we watched some rom-com movie. But I was in too much of a dream to even pay attention to the movie, I felt unbelievably guilty at how much she was making my heart race by just being close to me.

She turned to me, a few seconds later we were kissing. More passionately than the last few times, her tongue pushed into my mouth and mine worked around it. She had laid down and I was lying on top, she removed her lips from mine and began sucking at my neck as my breathing began to get jumpy.

* * *

I woke up, once again next to a warm being curled up in my arms. At first I was under the impression it was Phil and we were back at the other morning. Except I quickly realized where I really was. I saw a swish of brown hair as Jessie turned around to face me.

"Hey" She smiled.

"Hi" I said back and received the kiss she had planted on my lips.

"Last night was good, great actually" She said, closing her eyes.

I agreed, still feeling a hint of betrayal deep in my stomach. After a few minutes it became too overwhelming, I had to get out of here. My head was telling me to stay, whereas my heart couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I shook Jessie by the shoulder, "I have to get home now" I said.

"Really? So soon?" She asked, pouting.

"Yeah I'm sorry, I'll call you" I said, throwing on my jeans and shirt on as quickly as possible.

"Okay" She said smiling and then put her head back on her pillow.

Glancing at my phone, I snuck down her stairs. I had been here enough times to know my way out. It was 10am, I was meeting Phil in three hours. I felt nauseous and guilty, like a man who had just killed someone. As I reached the front door, I heard movement from down the hall.

"Morning Daniel" A voice boomed from down the whole, rapidly getting closer.

_It was Jessie's Dad._

I spun around on my heels, clutching my coat that I was holding up to my chest. Jessie's Dad was a well built, thick man – meaning he could break me like a stick. He stood with his arms folded and a newspaper in one of his hands. The look on his face wasn't so much threatening as more amused at the fact that I was squirming under the pressure. After a few seconds of awkward, silent eye contact he finally said:

"Have a good day" With a slight smile and then headed into the living room.

I took a deep breathe.

"You too sir" I called back.


	16. Chapter 16

Phil's POV:

I stared at myself in the mirror, taking my straighteners to the strand of hair I held between my fingers. As sad as it sounds, I wanted my hair to be as perfect as possible for meeting Dan today. Once I was done, I stood staring at myself a little longer. Staring at all my self imperfections and believe me there was a lot of them. It made me doubt if Dan could ever love me due to all these ugly factors that added up to me.

I shook away the bad thoughts and focused on what I was gonna wear, I decided on a signature Phil outfit – black skinny jeans, chequered top and a jacket to keep me warm. Even though we'd probably end up sitting in starbucks the entire time or coming back here, the walk would probably be chilly. I checked my phone to see I had ten minutes for a fifteen minute walk. I grabbed my keys and quickly left, eager to see my companion.

The weather pleasantly surprised me, it was actually pretty warm considering the time of year. I stupidly kept focusing on the weather, hoping my silly thoughts would keep away the butterflies I had in my stomach about meeting Dan. The feelings had only gotten stronger for him, which I thought was impossible. Fifteen minutes later, there he was – standing leaning on the wall behind him. He wore black skinny jeans and black jacket, classic Dan. He spotted and started walking towards me and I, vice versa. Dan shot me one of his smiles and greeted me, I loved his smiles. The way they created perfect dimples in his cheeks and showed off his teeth. But I had to stop thinking like this or I was never going to make it through the day.

"Hey" I smiled and gave him a hug.

Before, back when we lived together we were never really touchy feely with each other. We were when we first met, but I guess all the shipping stuff got to him, but I was glad we were back to it now. He smelt good, as I rested my chin on his shoulder for a few seconds before letting go.

"Starbucks?" He suggested, smiling.

I nodded and we headed off, luckily for us starbucks wasn't half as busy as it normally is. Today, due to the fact it was actually reasonably warm, we decided to sit outside and embrace the outside world. I waited on Dan to come back with our drinks as I sat at the table, people watching. He brought two mugs back, I didn't even half to tell him what I wanted – I guess he knew me well enough to just know what I wanted. He sat down next to me and took a swig from his cup.

As we chatted I carried on people watching, I liked how diverse London was. I spotted a gay couple in amongst the crowd, they didn't look much older than me. One had long brown hair and the other had quiffed blonde hair. They were both pretty fashionable too, I smiled to myself as I watched them hold hands and follow each other through the crowd. Deep down I had a small grain of hope that one day Dan and I could be like that.

Dan's POV:

I came back from the counter with Phil and I's drinks, not to mention a cookie for me and a brownie for him. I loved spending time with Phil, even if it was idle chit chat and we were barely even focused on each other – being with him made me feel content with myself. He seemed to be in a day dream, his eyes looking blankly into space, it made his eyes look even prettier, as if that was possible. I decided to let him be, besides his facial expression as he day dreamed was kinda cute. I glanced out at all the individuals walking past, a girl with blue hair, a young guy dressed like he was from the 60's and a gay couple. For some reason, I found myself focusing on the gay couple – maybe it hit home with me or something. They held hands and made their way through the crowd, but then I noticed something that made my stomach churn. The reactions of some of the people around them. A man glancing back with a look of disgust on his face and a woman, whispering to her friend – and they weren't even the only ones. I felt bad for the two of them, but the kind of bad where you want to help but at the same time you're kind of glad it's not happening to you. Because, even though I didn't want to admit it, I had something in common with those two.

* * *

We ended up back at Phil's house, turns out it was more fun than town. He got a movie from the rental place and some food to go with it. We were both lounged out on the sofa, on a cushion each. I couldn't get the gay couple out of my head today, the way people were so unaccepting. The thoughts were cleared away as I noticed Phil giggle at the movie, it brought a smile to my face – the way he covered his mouth with his hand as he laughed. And despite how confused I was in regards to what I'm feeling, all I knew was that I wanted to be closer to him.

I stretched out along the sofa, using him to prop myself up – inside I was praying he wouldn't say anything he would just go with it – and that's what he did. Before I knew it, he had his arm around me and I was leaning further and further in, my head rested on his chest. I had a burning fire of happiness building up in my stomach, _this moment was perfect._

**These past two chapters have been pretty long in comparison to all the others. Next chapter will be more interesting, I'm actually pretty amazed I managed to write both these chapters within two hours. If I don't update tomorrow, I'll update Saturday for sure. Thanks for all the nice reviews guys!**


	17. Chapter 17

Phil's POV:

I woke up curled around Dan in my living room, I guess we must have fallen asleep here last night. I glanced down at Dan who was asleep on my chest, making steady, cute sleeping noises. My mind thought back to last time and I hoped he wouldn't freak out and leave again. Again, I was up first – left alone with my thoughts. I seemed to always be the first one up, even when Dan lived here. It gave me the chance to make Dan a cup of tea so he would be less grouchy in the mornings. I thought back to all the times I would bring him his cup of tea as he was slouched on the sofa, with the hood of his sweater up. It wasn't like I had to bring him tea, I wasn't his slave or anything – I guess I just liked to. I like the feeling of being helpful, which was probably one of the reasons why I had missed Dan so much.

In tribute to when we used to live together I decided I would make him tea, breakfast too. I just had to work out how to untangle myself from him. Luckily I managed to slip out and prop Dan's head up with a pillow. He stirred in his sleep a bit, but then went back to being still. I headed for the kitchen, boiling the kettle and greasing the frying pan (or should I say lubricating?) for the bacon I was about to cook. When the bacon was cooked I made us both bacon sandwiches. I took the two plates and two mugs into the living room, it took two trips. I had planned to wake him up as soon as they were ready but as I watched him, he looked too cute and peaceful to wake up. I sat with my legs folded under me on the arm chair next to the sofa, nibbling on the corner of my sandwich. I heard a phone go, multiple text message sounds actually. Quietly, I looked around the living room for my phone. I eventually found it under a sofa cushion, except for it wasn't my phone – it was Dan's.

I tried my best to fight the temptation not to check who it was, but it got the better of me. I clicked the button to open up the home screen, luckily he didn't have a passcode,I remembered that he always forgot them and found it easier to just not have one. I slid my finger across the screen, 'five new messages' it read. One of which was from his mother, that left the other four. It was one of those situations where, you didn't want to keep looking because you were scared of finding something that would change things. But at the same time, I knew I would regret it if I didn't look.

_Who's Jessie?_

'Hey babe, last night was great x'

'You said you would call me x'

'Hello? X'

'? x'

My heart sunk, I was right – I didn't want to see this. I just stared at it for a few seconds, unsure of how to react. Dan hadn't replied, maybe I was blowing this out of proportion – after all, he told me he didn't have a girl friend. But what did 'last night was great mean?'. I shuddered at the thought, I was so sure he liked me back, that we were getting somewhere.

"What are you doing with my phone?"

Dan's POV:

I snatched my phone out of his hands, what was he doing going through my stuff?

"S-sorry, it kept going off and-" I felt bad, I hated shouting at Phil.

We sat in silence for a minute or so, clearly both of us unsure of what to say.

"Who's Jessie?" He asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked, he caught me of guard.

My stomach dropped and my heart started beating fast. Just like it does when you've done something bad and you know you are about to be found out. But I guess that was the case here. Immediately my mind thought of different ways to try and get out of this, lies I could make up. In the end I decided there was no point lying, I wasn't that person, despite how it seemed throughout the past couple of days.

"She was texting you, a lot actually. She said she had a good time last night" Phil said, struggling to keep eye contact with me.

"She's just um-" I started, but struggled with my words.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Phil asked.

"No, I used to know her from high school. I recently started talking to her again" I said quietly.

"So there's nothing going on between you two?"He asked.

"There was something, it wasn't serious. I was just confused" I cried.

"Confused about what Dan?" Phil said loudly, I had never seen him like this.

"About everything, I was confused because I missed you, I missed you a lot and not just as a friend. I have feelings for you Phil, I have for a while now. But I was confused, I was never gay, I liked girls, I've had girlfriends" I exclaimed. "And she was there and she was a way out. It was like I was in high school again".

Phil was quiet for a second, clearly contemplating my outburst.

"Do you have feelings for her?" He asked quietly, staring at the ground.

Once again he caught me off guard, especially because I did have feelings for her. They were old feelings and mostly feelings of attraction, not like the feelings I had for Phil but never the less, they were there. My mind was spinning, five minutes ago I was asleep and now this.

"You do don't you?" Phil said in the same tone.

"Phil I don't know any more, I'm so confused" I said, almost childlike.

"Well you need to pick Dan, because I have loved you since the start. I even loved you when we were fighting, I would have done almost anything to stop you from leaving but I didn't want to hold you back. And I actually had hope that things were finally gonna work, so you need to pick before I put too much into this" He said, finally making eye contact again.


	18. Chapter 18

Dan's POV:

I lounged around my apartment, feeling pretty lazy. My stomach was still churning from yesterday, I hadn't never seen Phil like that before. His eyes were so cold, but behind that I could tell I had hurt him – and that was never my intention. But it had all gotten so hard. I remembered when I was happy just hiding my feelings, living with Phil and just getting thrills every time he looked at me. The thing is, I've never been gay. I've always liked girls, the whole way through high school. There were a couple of occasions where I actually thought I was in love. But then that brought me back to Phil, I couldn't be without Phil. The thought of coming out to everyone terrified me, this wasn't a vain "I care too much what people think about me" problem. I just didn't want to lose everyone, I didn't want my family to hate me and for my friends to disown me.

Yesterday did bring me to a realisation though, Phil did like me. In fact he didn't just like me, he claimed to love me – which was a hard thing to do. Something he said kept ringing through my head, "I have loved you from the start". All this time, he felt the same way. Sure I didn't feel it from the start, but I do now – surely that's all that matters.

The thing about Jessie was, she was normal. I could date her and no-one would think twice about it. She was pretty and she was funny and I had known her for so long. I still hadn't replied to her messages, so now not only had I made Phil hate me, she probably hated me as well.

But I knew one thing for sure, I needed to decide: and I need to decide soon.

My door went so I buzzed the person in, I couldn't think who it would be. I suddenly realized how awful I looked after an entire day of wallowing in my own self pity. As I opened the door, Jessie stood there. She was dressed in ripped jeans and a hoodie, also sporting a huge smile. I felt a lot of things for her as I looked at her, a lot of it being guilt for ignoring her these past few days.

"Hey" She smiled throwing her arms around me.

"Hi" I replied, still not really over the shock of her turning up at my door.

"Where have you been? You haven't replied to any of my messages" She said.

"Sorry I haven't been feeling well" I said, trying to excuse myself.

I invited her in and she sat herself down on my sofa, pulling me down next to her. We talked for a while, she asked what I had been doing today and I told her I had been filming a new video.

"Do you never think about going back to University Dan?" She asked, fiddling with her nails.

"Not really, I mean I survive easily on what I make from YouTube" I answered.

"Yeah but that job can't last forever surely" She said.

"Well why not?" I asked.

She looked up at me, with glittering eyes. "Sorry I have gone the complete wrong way about this. What I meant was, I'm going back to University in a couple of days and I'd love it if you came back with me. We've already wasted so many years by not staying in contact with each other – so come with me!" She smiled

I was speechless, the idea of going back to University made me feel anxious. I was never happy there, constantly feeling pressured, not enjoying the course one bit.

"You could pick up where you left off on your law course and finally finish it" She suggested.

Her voice saying 'It'll never last surely' echoed in my head. It was something I had never really thought about. I had just come to conclusion that I would be doing YouTube forever. My subscribers were pretty loyal, they have said they would watch me even if I was bald and sixty years old. But it was all well and good saying this, but what happened when they all went to University or started families? Would they have time then? What if I someday got married and had children, would I even have enough time to make a video? _I felt sick._

"Just think about it" She said, leaving me with my thoughts. It seemed like a frequent thing for me these days.

If I said yes, I was normal. I would be a regular twenty two year old male, hanging out with his girlfriend, going to university – hell maybe it could even make me happy. Yet something in me screamed no without even thinking it through. _Why did things have to be so difficult?_

**This is basically a chapter to fill some stuff up, so basically it's awful. However, the next chapter will be far better, plus I wont be sleep deprived writing it. It will hopefully be up tomorrow. By the way, I know Dan is only twenty one but this is story is kind of supposed to be based in the future. But thank you for all your support, I love your reviews! They make me laugh so much and smile ^_^ okay bye, hope you enjoyed.**


	19. Chapter 19

Dan's POV:

I left my house, taking a deep breath and taking one look behind me. I thought to myself that I could easily go back in there and hide forever, or at least for a little bit longer. But that's what I had been doing for the past few days, curled up in bed – trying to forget all the stupid mistakes I have made. _How did you manage to make such a mess of this, Dan?_ But it couldn't go on for much longer, because last night I came to a decision. And for once in my life, I felt like I had made the right decision.

So that's where I was headed, this was the start of my future. I made my way down the street, contemplating all the different ways this could go down, all the different reactions and the possible things I could say. There was a lot of different scenarios. But I had spent too long feeling sorry for myself about this. So I continued walking, each step bringing me closer to my destination. I had spent the last few days feeling nauseous, either way I was letting someone down and considering I cared about them both a lot, that wasn't a good thing

Slowly, I walked around the corner, where I was about to come face to face with one of the consequences of my decision. I shoved my hands in my pockets and straightened myself up. I fiddled about with some change in my pocket, somehow hoping it would calm me down. I guess by this stage I was just desperate.

"Hey?" A voice said behind me.

I turned around, a huge lump forming in my throat.

"Hi" I said, painting on the best smile I possibly could.

I glanced at the figure standing in front of me, looking it up and down.

"I guess you have come to a decision then" The figure said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

I nodded as a reply, almost too nervous to speak.

"Well?"

"I'm sorry" I quavered.

The figure stayed silent, fiddling with their fringe in front of me. I wanted to reach forward and throw my arms around their small frame, they deserved better than me anyways.

"Jessie?" I asked.

She looked up, our eyes locking.

"It's okay" She said painting on a smile much like mine.

"You're better off without me anyway" I told her.

"Am I?" She said with a slight sarcastic chuckle, "Can I ask why?"

"I'm just not university material and-" I trailed off.

"And?" She asked.

"I kind of realized something in the past few days, I'm in love with someone else" I said.

She looked at the ground and then back up at me with a smile.

"I hope it all works out for you, I've got to get home and starting packing" She said.

We said our good byes, a small weight was lifted off of my mind. But I still had one more stop to make. I had butterflies in my stomach, I had this amazing scene in my head. Where it would be like the movies, completely perfect. But real life was never like the movies, I could really only hope that he wouldn't hate me.

I dandered off the train, a bit out of it. With the amount of time I had been spending on a train recently I may as well reserve a regular seat for myself. Phil didn't know I was coming, in fact we hadn't spoken at all in the past few days. Not since he told me I needed to make a choice – so now here I was. I stood outside his apartment for a while, building up the courage to go in. _I wasn't sure what to expect._ I stormed up to his door, trying to convince myself I was confident about this. I pressed his door bell, waiting on him to buzz me in.

A couple of seconds later there I was, standing at his front door. He opened quickly, causing his hair to swish slightly.

"Hey" I said.

"What are you doing here?" He asked.

I could tell he was trying to be angry at me, but it wasn't in Phil's nature to be angry at anyone. Sure he had his moments, but he had always found it hard to stay angry. He was forgiving, it's strange but that's one of the things I like about him.

"I need to talk to you" I said.

He held the door open for me, so I could walk through into the hall way. He closed it after me, I walked straight in, Phil following behind. I sheepishly sat down on the sofa, with Phil next to me. I wanted to hug him and pretend that none of this existed, that I had never slept with Jessie or even doubted my feelings for Phil. Beside me, he twiddled his thumbs – staring into his lap.

**Hello! Okay so the chapter I posted last night, I actually wrote last week. But my microsoft word document was broken and wouldn't let me upload it? So I spent like a week trying to work out what was wrong with it (I talked about this on my twitter if you follow me). But then I realized you can write chapters on the actual site, so long story short, that's what I did. Sorry for the wait. **


	20. Chapter 20

Phil's POV:

I answered my door at night to see Dan waiting there, my stomach flipped as my eyes locked on his perfect brown eyes. He stood there looking as perfect as ever, which made me feel all the more nervous. I was scared to hear what he had to say, but at the same time it was better than waiting in anticipation, hoping that he would realize that we are perfect for each other. I invited him and we both sat down on the sofa in silence, he looked nervous – which scared me. His leg was bouncing up and down in an anxious way.

"What do you need to talk to me about?" I asked, breaking the silence.

He stayed quiet for a few seconds before answering, looking deep in thought.

"On the way over here on the train, I had a whole speech planned out for you. I've completely forgotten it all" He said, nervously chuckling.

I forced my mouth to break into a smile, _was the speech him telling me that we were better off just friends?_

"You told me to decide" He said "And I did".

I nodded, desperately awaiting his next words. My heart was beating faster than it ever had before. Faster than when I had my first kiss, faster than when I got my A-level results and even faster than the first time I met Dan. I wanted him to blurt it out and not beat around the bush like I knew he would. He tended to ramble in situations like this, yet stupidly I loved that about him. There wasn't much I didn't love about him.

"When I told you I had feelings for both you and Jessie, I made a mistake" He said. "I liked the idea of being with Jessie, I liked how she made me feel normal and how she had been all I had ever wanted back in high school"

I bit back some tears, hoping for a 'but' at the end of this heart felt speech.

"But then I realized something, it wasn't Jessie I liked. The whole time I was with her I was practically begging for those old feelings to come back and when I finally realized they weren't coming back, it hit me" Dan began, "They weren't coming back because now I had you. The idea of being with you terrified me, the feelings I have for you sill terrify me and unlike Jessie, you don't make me feel normal – you make me feel different"

For the first time during his speech, I tore my eyes away from my lap and looked at him. I felt a tear slide it's way down my face, barely even acknowledging it, I wiped it away with my sleeve. I always scolded myself about the fact that I cried at moments like this, even in movies I would always shed a tear.

"Normalness leads to sadness" He said quoting me.

"It's always been you and even though I'm terrified, it's a good terrified. Like when you finally do something big by yourself and it's new and it's scary but it makes you feel alive. I don't know what's gonna happen in the future, but I'm not going to let the fear of getting hurt stop me any more. This could be something great, as long as your willing to forget my stupidity and be with me" He said smiling.

A smile creeped upon my face, I tried to hide it but it just kept getting bigger and bigger. I tried to hide my face, shaking my head at this crazy smile.

"Is that a yes?" Dan asked.

I didn't have the ability to say anything, I slid over to his side of the sofa. Slowly and carefully, I placed my hand on the back of his neck, gently moving our faces closer. Our foreheads were touching and I could feel Dan's breathing getting heavier. I crashed my lips onto his, feeling him pull me closer. Out of all the times I had kissed Dan, this had been the strongest time. But it wasn't in a sexual way, yet it contained it's powerful effect. It was the kind of kissed that said, _how did we take so long to get here? _

We pulled apart and I nodded, "Yes" I said grinning.

I brushed a bit of his hair away from his face, his soft shiny hair. I still had my hand around the back his neck, not wanting to ever let him go. Eventually, I did and we snuggled up on the sofa. Dan was staying over tonight, there was no way I could be without him tonight. He lay across my sofa with his head in my lap, as we both watched TV. I had one free hand on his chest and the other playing with his hair. He grabbed the free hand and entwined our fingers together, placing them both back on his chest. We sat in silence, a completely comfortable silence – it was almost perfect. He looked up at me, his eyes shining and his mouth breaking into a perfect smile. I loved how simple yet amazing our relationship was and how Dan made me feel, I loved us. We had wasted a whole year, but I wasn't wasting any more of my life without him.

**Ah this is the end! I always get really sad when I end phanfics but i felt chapter 20 was a good place to end it. I really enjoyed writing this though, I didn't get writer's block once – in fact if anything, I had too much to say and slightly rambled on. Anyway, thanks for the support and for following the story! Your reviews have always been so nice and funny, especially when you continuously insulted Jessie! Hopefully I'll start another phanfic soon, anyways bye!**


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